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The circle of friends, your family of choice

Let a little game: Close your eyes and imagine it's been ten years and are at home, sitting at dinner with your family. Visualize, still with eyes closed, feeling completely at ease within the full extent that you can call home, is yours, you feel accompanied and this company, your family, that makes you feel strong, safe and powerful or safe and powerful. Ready? Open your eyes and goes with your eyes or those who accompany you on the table. Is your family sitting around?

Most who do this exercise, actually not include your partner in the display, because for some reason not considered part of your family or as your family itself, strangely enough if we consider it to him or her to build a project who presumably will last a life.

What is family? Today it is a social time in which old patterns are being discarded to make way for new, more tailored to our needs modern and more realistic. The concept of family is one of them. Until recent decades, the family model consisted of a father, mother, two or more children and even a cute dog name, but suddenly the women and men found that the divorce was worth when the situation became untenable couples, and families then came a dad, one or more children and a dog, a mom or dad's place. It also happened that there was never a father and left with a single parent, children and the dog or the mother falls in love with her best friend and then have two mothers, children and the dog, maybe two dads, or better yet, a father, mother, two children and a dog.

seem that the world no two families are alike, with a dad or two or none, with two moms or just one or even no more than one child or no one a dog kennel two to complete, perhaps a cat or a Komodo dragon, children, adopted children or nosy mother will not return home, the friend who came to stay for five years supposedly only a few months and so on; these are all possibilities of a family model very specific dynamics of interaction for everyone. Each example that comes to mind can, in turn, be the model of a perfectly functional family.

So what is a family? From the above it is clear that this is a group of people, two or more, linked by strong ties to each other, emotional ties that make significant each other. There is interest mutual solidarity, empathy and support and shared plans that evolve alongside the projects of each other's lives. Usually these are people who share the same roof, but there is no rule that determines which always must be. And finally, his purpose is to train, so to speak, a team to face the vicissitudes of life. In the family people find the momentum to move forward and can be united by ties of blood, but may also be otherwise.

there are many types of families, but to respect these lines, we will say only that there is a biological family on one side and the family of choice on the other. Both important, but each in its respective life stage.

The biological is why it is said that you never choose your family is the social core of your birth, usually with a mom and / or a mother, maybe siblings and sometimes an extra participant as the grandmother, the uncle, or you go to know. Through it you learn how the universe works, you know the basic axioms of life and identify the site that touches you from other mortals. In essential during your childhood or adolescence, but when the time of independence, the birth family is no longer sufficient.

The family of choice is what comes after, is a circle of confidence that you are entering, one by one, people that are special to you: as some of your friends, your partner and select one or another biological family member. Build it freehand, based on a constant exercise of trial and error, to be around you the social sanctuary where you will have to guarecerte to gain strength, grow and feel supported, though not necessarily exist mutual bonds of consanguinity. This is especially crucial for girls gay and lesbian youth who require a social setting in which to express freely their homoerotic lifestyle, so it's not surprising that the gay friends meet an extremely important role because they provide for a family of choice.

And families are roles. When it comes to a biological family, we all clear what role that is expected to meet the father, or sister, but in the case of families of choice, how to know what role it is up to every one who? In this case, the role type is determined by the closeness that each has with respect to you: we talked about a circle of trust, where you're downtown, near the center are those who are most important to you as your partner or your best friend, for example. Who are closer to the center have closer links with you and there is greater mutual commitment and greater intimacy, which determines the type of relationship that will sustain you and the important role they play in your family of choice. However, something that often mar the dynamics within family circles, deals precisely with what members of your family of choice located closer to the center. When, for example, have a partner and he or she does not allow close enough where if you let a friend or your mother, for example, then you're assigning the position of greater commitment and intimacy that person and not your partner, who can not relate to you as it should, as a companion or partner, because between his position inside the circle and you, is another person who placed closer to the center. It is at these times, when they get complaints like: "... you never give me my place!", "Sound familiar?

Take a look at the circle of trust where your current family of choice, and is composed of two, five, twenty or fifty; date account of those who keep away in the periphery, and those who got close to the center: are in the place where they?, believes that the more distant you are, the less you would expect of them, while those closest to you will share more support and commitment. Draw a circle on paper and place it under names like feel to match, you can always be useful, if you believe that someone who you have forgotten because it appears closer to the periphery, almost outside your circle, but in reality I would like next to you, then keep your paper and get your phone number. Never too late to spend more time with family.

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most common myths about

A reliable truth is that when you talk to people about their homes if they "know", a large proportion of your partners will reply that yes, obviously: "Well, I have not told, but they are my parents ... of course I know now," they often add. And that's where we started talking about the myths of the Closet.

is true that for your family, especially when you share a roof with them, will be apparent that some years you do not see a girlfriend, or if you're a girl, and make a ratote that you walk without a boyfriend, and note also that seems not to bother. Then they begin to develop their conjectures rarely go to ask. Speculation will go on the side: "It is very mature for his age chavitos", "is that it has been applied to study / work, or time you have to walk boyfriend and so on.

Ok, that would be very different if it was someone outside the family, about whom suspicion could lead directly to a conjecture about their sexual orientation. When it comes to the daughter brother, father or even the dear cousin Mickey, although the evidence is pointing directly to gay, the family will be reluctant to come to that conclusion and will seek to convince herself that there are other explanations reassuring. Knowing that someone wanted to start for everyone is gay in a heterosexual context painful process of acceptance in which they have to let go of expectations that kept their respect: the grandchildren and the daughter, the help and be with her during her pregnancy, or who knows what else.

So when someone says all the gay lifestyle in front of their parents, they will not necessarily conclude that their little offspring is gay, because although they can be so now, will convince themselves that the reason lies elsewhere. The situation will change when he or she speaks with them and tell them to wave their sexual orientation, then parents have to face it and begin the process of acceptance.

However, he or she will tell your parents you're gay, you have to dare to do so. It is not easy. Usually at home we heard a thousand and one comments of homophobic jokes, jokes and even social criticism about, for example, that people coming out to make his outrage in the days of pride Reform. That is the culture, this in which we are immersed invited and encouraged to do the object of rejection of social groups and categories that have nothing to do with us, which in theory have nothing to do with us. It's easy to be against these abstract entities nameless and faceless, it is easy to reject them because they have nothing to do with you.

I, for one, I declare to be against drug addiction, because according to me, is something wrong (from my personal frame of reference), but keep my affection for many of my friends who use various kinds of addictive substances. Rejecting an abstract concept, not to reject people who are related to that concept.

Returning to our point, increasingly is a pleasant surprise that a kid from a family that rejected homosexuality, forced to tell about his homoeroticism, find acceptance and understanding rather effort-rejection provided by the attitudes that parents, for example, let's see about homosexuality (as an abstract concept). And it is not the same reject something without a face and lightly, because we feel obligated to do to be socially well, to reject someone with whom we share a history, we know your name and we love him.

Therefore, it is true that family attitudes toward homosexuality are a history of the acceptance or rejection to receive the news that you're gay.

is much talk about coming out as a way to accept your sexuality and how homoerotic take responsibility for such guidance. However, the approach sounds like a lot once you get out of the closet and you're out permanently. Nothing is more wrong.

Coming out is a lifestyle, because once you opened with your parents, you will have the opportunity to open up with your friends, or people in your office, or the corner grocer and so with each new person you encounter in life, in every new situation we live now or in the future. Coming out is, well, a series of elections that decide whether or not to share this with one or the other so and so, election, of course, highly personal and at all questionable for anyone but yourself.

is not true that he began to tell others about their sexuality, be shown to follow consistent and well with each and every one of the persons forming part of their social world. No, this has nothing to do with consistency and diplomacy itself. Sometimes we have little to lose and other much when we reveal our sexual orientation, therefore, out or not coming out is a result of a previous assessment in which each person evaluates what they earn and what you lose by doing so, and if it is pitched loser to come out in that particular situation then it would be a mistake common sense to move forward.

Stay in the closet is not bad, nor good, simply is a situation that may be appropriate or not to keep the welfare of women and gay men laa, those living with HIV and, why not?, also of the immigrants, the racial minorities and so on. The only way to know when to stay in the closet is already a mistake, when we begin to feel sick, imprisoned and our freedom alibi. If the time ever come when you feel the need to express to someone, do it and take a chance, finally, trust is a gift that will make a few people, and possibly that person in particular will appreciate

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